This morning, I was minding my own business, sipping a cup of coffee on my neighbor's couch, when I received this horrifying e-mail message on my phone. (The names of the principal, superintendent, district, and school have been deleted or changed to protect them from ridicule.)
On Wed, May 9, 2012 at 11:10 AM, <InstantAlert@honeywel
Alert Name: Suspicious Woman in Car Approached Student
Alert Type: Notification
Complete Message: Dear Parents,
This morning I received the following information from the Principal of Your Local Elementary School.
This morning on the way to school near Franklin Street, a student was approached by a woman with dark hair in curlers in a four door [sic] sedan. The woman rolled down the window and said, "It is raining. Do you want a ride?"
The student said "no" and walked away toward school. The vehicle drove away. The Town Police Department was notified immediately.
Once again, please take this opportunity to review with your children basic safety guidelines. Specifically, they should never approach a strange vehicle, should ALWAYS run away from strangers who attempt to lure them to their cars, and ALWAYS report any such incident to an adult and the police immediately as this student did.
Thank you for your attention to this important matter.
Superintendent of Town Public Schools
School Name: Town Public Schools
Like you, I am absolutely terrified. There appears to be a woman on the loose in my town, driving a four-door sedan without a hyphen. Wearing curlers in her hair. In public. Good heavens, she must be stopped.
I'll have a talk with my kids this evening about our family's views on wearing curlers in public. In the meantime, I propose that the FBI set up a sting operation.
On an upcoming cold, rainy day, they should put a young child out on a street near the local elementary school. He should be dressed inappropriately for the weather, loaded down with books, and running late. Ideally, he should be on crutches. Every woman who slows down and offers him a ride should be arrested immediately and prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. There should be a sentencing enhancement for any perp found to be wearing curlers in her hair.
I mean, sheesh. People like that are a true danger to society. Leave the kids alone, folks. Let them walk six blocks in the cold rain. It's good for them. And do your hair in the privacy of your own home, okay?