13 February 2012

Black, Blue and Brown

I was in college when Whitney Houston's first album came out.  We all loved it and played it incessantly.  But I knew who Whitney was long before that.  As an obsessive reader of Seventeen magazine in the early eighties, I saw her all the time.  She, like Phoebe Cates and a few others, was one of a handful of teen models who appeared over and over again in Seventeen's pages, showing us how to dress and do our hair and behave around boys.  Whitney was the only regular African-American model in the little troupe.  Instead of being light-skinned and wispy, she was tall, dark, and athletic.  I admired her greatly, and when she achieved success as a vocalist, I felt like a friend had hit the big time.  I bought her first album and sang along until my throat was raw.  I still know every lyric.

Whitney's life wasn't easy, and it came to a premature end over the weekend.  She was only a few years older than I, and she had survived a lot, until she could no longer survive it.

One of the things she had survived is - and I use this phrase only as an introduction because I hate it - "domestic violence."  Let me tell you why I hate that phrase.  I think it's a disingenuous euphemism.  (I am aware that I have a few teen readers - if necessary, please look up both of those words before proceeding.)  Violence is violence.  Calling it something different when you do it to someone who lives in your home, who cooks your meals and does your laundry and raises your children, is an insidious form of misogyny.  (More SAT words.  Just keep the "dictionary.com" window open as you read.)  It's insidious, but it's ingrained, and it is accepted in our culture and our lexicon.

If you beat some stranger on the street, blacken his eyes and smash in his nose and send him to the hospital, you are a violent felon.  You will be locked up along with the other violent felons for a very long time.  You can tell the judge that you had a difficult childhood, that you yourself were beaten and abused, and maybe even that you're sorry and you won't do it again, ever.  Your words will likely fall on deaf ears because you beat a total stranger.  You are a danger to society.

But if you beat your spouse or partner, blacken her eyes, smash in her nose and send her to the hospital, you are a domestic abuser.  Your victim is unlikely to call the police, report the crime, or seek treatment.  She is likely to hide her wounds, because there's something embarrassing about being attacked by your life partner.  Poor thing.  He himself was abused and beaten as a child.  He said he was sorry and swore he'd never do it again.  If you report him, he might get into trouble.  He doesn't want to lose his children.

Even if the attack is reported to the police, it's not a violent assault.  It's a domestic incident or domestic violence.  The victim is referred to as a victim of domestic violence or abuse, and if she lives, she is praised as a survivor.

That's crap.  She is the victim of a violent assault.  I don't care whether it happened in the bedroom or the subway station.  Let's call it what it is.

I can't tell you how many women I know who have been victims of this sort of thing.  Bright, well-educated, high-achieving women, with and without children.  You know a lot of them too, though you might not be aware of who they are.  But because I am a lawyer, when someone I know loses a tooth to a fist in the middle of the night and wants someone to talk to, she calls me.  She is usually whispering, so as not to wake the children.  By the time I hear about it, it's been going on for some time.

Can you imagine being beaten up by a stranger on the street repeatedly before help is summoned?  Of course not.  Can you imagine enduring such a thing for years and not telling anyone, while the perpetrator continues to attack you?  How about reporting it, and then being admired and praised as a "survivor" while the perpetrator continues to walk the streets, his livelihood and reputation unaffected?

This was just a small slice of what I imagine Whitney Houston - who I still think of as my teenage buddy - went through before her death, at the hands of her own husband and the father of her child, Bobby Brown.

Last night was the annual television broadcast of the Grammy Awards, the music industry's highest set of honors.  One of the featured performers, Chris Brown, is still on probation a year after beating his girlfriend's face to a pulp.  We all saw the pictures because his girlfriend, Rihanna, was also a popular musician, and the press saw fit to splash photographs of her broken nose everywhere.  She was unable to appear at the Grammys last year because of the injuries she sustained in the attack.  He was banned from performing last year, but this year it was apparently okay for him to go onstage as though he's not a violent felon.  The crowd applauded him heartily.

What does that sort of attitude - that sort of applause - teach our sons and daughters?  Shame on the Grammy organization for endorsing him in this way.  Shame on him for showing his face in public in anything other than an ad for a violence-prevention campaign.  Shame on every single person there who applauded him.  You have endorsed, knowingly or not, an accepted form of violence in our society.

And shame on the Republicans in the U.S. Senate Judiciary Committee, all of whom refused last week to approve the reauthorization of the 1994 Violence Against Women Act.  Violence against women is apparently not actually considered full-fledged violence.  What a sad commentary it is that women in our society need special laws to protect them from violence - laws that are actually controversial enough to be voted down in  the legislature!

A woman is a person.  A domestic violence victim is a person who has been brutally attacked.  Our sons and daughters must know this, understand it, and internalize it.  It must not be hidden or whispered.  We must scream from the rooftops that we will not tolerate it.  If the wives and mothers of the world do not do so, who will?


jhl said...

This is an incredible post. I'm about to tweet it ... because it deserves more eyes. You're right about the euphemism. Why is that kind of violence any more acceptable when it's in the context of a relationship?

I used to serve of the board of trustees for our county domestic violence agency, and I was always amazed at how little people know about what happens behind closed doors, and how willing they are to turn the other way.

Esperanza said...

Well said. Well said indeed. It's ridiculous that we call violence that happens in the home, between two people who know and supposedly love each other, something different, something evidently less bad, than we call it when it happens on the street to a stranger.

The fact that the 1994 Violence Against Women Act was voted down does not surprise me. The healthy, safety and reputation of women everywhere is under assault in this country. There has never before been such a backlash against women and it's terrifying. I really can't understand how the political party that is supposed to be centered around maintaining the family can treat one half of said families so poorly, so completely without regard or respect. Don't these people have mothers and daughters? Don't they care what happens to the women in their lives? It's baffling.

Thank you again for this insightful read. These things need to be said, I only wish the people reading this were the ones who need to hear it.

laxsupermom said...


Tweeting this.

Sam Braverman said...

One thing that surprised me, but shouldn't have, was when I was a town prosecutor. I got to see my neighbors come into court and they had to explain why they beat up their spouses and children. It was always painful to talk to people I knew about their abuse. But what was always clear to me was the path I needed to take-I needed to hear acknowledgment that the behavior was unacceptable. I needed to see steps to end the cycle of violence. And I needed to hear from the victim that the change was real. Sometimes it was clear that the change was false and pretend, and those people had to be punished more severely. Nothing made me happier than to see a victim in town a year or 5 years later who said "It is still going well." We can all do our part.

Jennie said...

JHL, I'd be interested in following you on Twitter if you are inclined to give me your details. Esperanza, thank you - I am delighted to know there are like-minded women out there.

michele e bailey-flood said...

the threat of violence is just as heinous an act as violence. my ex-husband at one point in time hired someone to have me killed. when i reported it and they called him on it AND played the tape i had of him admitting to this, they let him go, stating if anything happened to me or our daughter he would be held accountable. but at that time, 1988 or 1989, and because he was an ex cop... nothing happened to him, not even a slap on the wrist. talk about a slap in the face.